You are the perfect couple who have been together for many years. Everyone you know says they have not seen a better couple and you are made for each other. And you agree with them: everything is fine with you, and the house is full, and the children grow up to be the envy of everyone, but there is one thing ... there hasn't been sex in a long time. Or you're a young couple who have just started their life together and until recently had sex all the time, wherever possible. But lately you can't even remember the last time you had sex. There are many similar stories. We aim to understand why your sexual relationship has calmed down and what to do about it.
In a famous anecdote, a wife says to her husband: 'What a wonderful couple our new neighbours are! He constantly kisses her, hugs her, holds her ass, whispers affectionate words in her ear. Why don't you?" To which the husband replied, "Galya, you're crazy, I don't even know her!" I mean, it never occurs to him to do all these cute and sexy things with his wife! Hearing even a hint of sex, he does not associate it with his wife, but immediately starts thinking about someone else's. Unfortunately, this situation is much more common than we think.
Women most often think that men are beings who think about sex all the time. And scientists have conducted studies that have shown that representatives of the stronger sex think about it 'every 5 seconds'. Therefore, when a spouse stops being interested in his wife as a sex object, this immediately becomes apparent and not the best thoughts start creeping into his head. A woman begins to take these rejections of sex personally, which eventually leads to low self-esteem and eternal quarrels. Gradually, the marriage turns to ruin and the close people become very distant from each other, tired and with undermined psychological health. What to do if the husband does not want a wife? Leave it like this and wait for everything to pass? Or fight for your happiness?
Let's find out why
First of all, it is necessary to find out the reasons for the husband's 'cooling off'. And solve the problem. Many women start writing in various family forums, where women who are as upset as they are sit.
We do not advise you to write there. You don't know who is on the other side of the screen. Most likely, this is clearly a woman who is also going through a difficult time in her life. She can give you some advice from personal experience. And why a person's advice for a life that is hardly worth living? There is no need to wait for someone to take responsibility for your marriage and put everything on the shelf and tell you what and how to do. After all, nobody knows your family, your relationship and your spouse better than you do. Study the reasons yourself and work out which of them best suits your particular couple - and act.
To solve the problem, it is necessary to 'diagnose' correctly. After all, as in medicine, only by correctly determining the cause of the disease can the right medicine be prescribed.
Reasons for not having sex
Recently, large-scale studies were conducted in which about 5,000 men and women took part. According to the results of these studies, it emerged that men in the modern world have become more passive. Only 42% of men want to have sex more than twice a week. While about 65% of women answered that they would like to have sex at least twice a week, or even more. The scientists commented on these results by saying that men are very tired at work and the intense pace of modern life also leaves its mark on the health of the stronger sex.
We now offer to examine the list of reasons for its 'cooling down' in more detail.
The first reason is that he is tired.
There is a good expression 'workaholics are not sexologists'. If a spouse spends all his time at work, it is logical that he gets tired. If he is not yet a hired employee, but the owner of his own business or the head of the company, then a heavy burden of responsibility rests on his shoulders. He works late at work, then goes home and, of course, his thoughts are also occupied with work problems. And only in a dream can he rest. And if there is a threat to her beloved business (crisis, bankruptcy, dismissal of valuable employees, financial difficulties), then she is definitely not in the mood for lovemaking. As a rule, women think that a man cannot get tired, but can, as usual, work, solve work problems, family problems and thus inspire them to have sex with his wife.
WHAT TO DO?
If you recognize your husband in this description, then try to 'pull' him out of the work vortex. Make sure he is rested and 'rebooted'. Send him to the countryside, on holiday or fishing. It is desirable that he goes there alone. Rested - mentally and emotionally recovered. If a husband is time-critical at work, such a proposal may cause him indignation and rejection. So arrange a 'safe haven' for him at home. Create favorable conditions so that he can relax at home and not think about anything. On weekends you can go to the park, skate, go to the cinema or take a walk along the promenade. Spend your weekends actively. It is advisable to agree in advance that you leave your phones and laptops at home on these days.
Reason two: boring and monotonous sex
If sex in your couple has become boring and monotonous. If you go to bed every time, it's like hard work with the thoughts 'Again? How tired I am of this", you should not be surprised that your husband has cooled down on you. Men, on the other hand, like women want passion, diversity and spontaneity in sex.
Psychologists recommend a 'sexual program' in such situations. But what could be more boring than planned sex when everything is known in advance? If you fight even over the lack of sex, it nips everything in the bud. Only in the movies, after quarrels, there is violent reconciliation in the form of sex. In real life, quarrels are the first killers of sex. By the way, if you have denied your spouse intimacy for a long time, don't be surprised that he or she no longer wants it. Scientists have shown that if you don't have sex for a long time, sexual desire disappears.
WHAT TO DO?
Light the fire of passion. If your husband doesn't want more regular sex, surprise him with something new. Unusual sexy lingerie, sex shop products, role play and extreme sex. Now you can read about it on the Internet and find any article on the subject that interests you.
- Reason Three: Joint Complaints
"Don't come near me, I am offended", - is sung in a famous song. In life, it often happens when resentment prevents intimacy. Here you should look at yourself soberly and without 'rose-tinted glasses' and analyse your behaviour. How often do you praise your husband? Or are you constantly dissatisfied with everything, 'seeing' him and saying the phrase 'I told you so'? If so, no wonder you don't have sex. Who would want to sleep with a fox? There are times when a man does not want to make love to a woman because of his overprotection. He constantly finds out if he has eaten, if his shirts are clean, if he is not cold or hot. He married a woman, not a mother.
WHAT TO DO?
Bring your husband into a frank conversation, try to find out what he does not like. Analyse your behaviour. Have you played with your complaints? Are the reasons why you punish each other with lack of sex really that bad? After all, time goes by fast and you should not 'get inside yourself' for a long time for an unlikely reason, depriving yourself and your partner of the joys of love.
Reason four: health problems
The reason many women do not take into account is the health of the faithful. She is a living person and can fall ill. The most common illness that is common in the 21st century is depression. It is only treated with pharmacological preparations. And taking these drugs leads to a decrease in sexual desire. There are also diseases that are not visible 'at first sight'. A man may experience discomfort, but its origin is not clear to him. It may be problems with the cardiovascular system, diseases of the liver or kidneys, endocrine system diseases.
WHAT TO DO?
As a rule, men do not like to go to the doctor. If your husband does not yield to your persuasion, write to a good specialist yourself. Or undergo a full medical examination with the whole family, so he won't be so frightened.
By the way, in 2011, Russian scientists conducted a large-scale experiment in which men aged 30 to 55 took part. This medical study involved 1,500 men. And it turned out that about 80 per cent of the men surveyed periodically suffered from erectile dysfunction.
Reason five: different biorhythms
At the beginning of the relationship, everything was great. And over the years, the sexual fervour began to fade. Maybe it's just that your couple has different sexual temperaments and biological rhythms? Maybe the spouse wants to have sex early in the morning before the start of the working day? And your spouse is more willing to have sex in the evening, when the day has already passed and you can relax and enjoy yourself with your loved one? Or maybe your case is when you want daily sex and your loved one is enough even once a week?
WHAT TO DO?
Make a reasonable compromise. Give in to your husband, have sex in the morning (or whenever he wants it). Most probably he too will soon accept a compromise. Or maybe lunchtime sex will be the way out? Find your own recipe for regular sex.
Reason six: woman
In this paragraph, we will focus on the one woman: it is you. You have been living with a man for many years and you feel like you are not changing. But then you look at your pictures and realise that this is not the case. Sometimes you realise this when you talk frankly with your husband. And suddenly, as if you see yourself from the outside: a sausage sandwich on the sofa in front of the TV, talking to your husband only about shopping, upcoming holidays and money, clothes for the house - a stretched suit. After all, it wasn't like that before. You tried to dress up for his arrival, you watched your diet and your figure, you could talk until morning about anything - there were many topics of conversation. And now you don't have to console yourself with the fact that in recent years my husband has also gained 15 kilograms. The old common truth that a man loves with his eyes.
WHAT TO DO?
Always be attractive to your man! Wear seductive clothes, ask him in the shower to give you a towel. Be playful and unexpected: show your imagination. And remember that having sex is a habit. And the habit needs to be trained. If you decide to give in and not fight for your man's attention, it will be easier for him to engage in complacency. Do you want that?
Reason seven: another woman
This is the most terrible and frightening reason. We wrote it at the very end. Women, as a rule, start suspicious with you and are very afraid to listen to you. This is cheating. It is not necessary if your husband is late from work: he is cheating. All right, you absolutely do not need a one-night stand for cheating. But if the sex is not here, that doesn't mean it's not there anywhere.
WHAT TO DO?
You need to start a frank conversation. But before you start talking, ask yourself one question: "Are you ready to hear the truth? And what will you do with it?" If the answer is yes, then start this conversation. And if no, then start fighting for your marriage.
Reason eight: boredom and habit
The most banal and simple cause, but at the same time very common and difficult to deal with. You can look like Pamela Andersen, be an interesting conversationalist and a tiger in bed, but don't turn your husband on by a comma. A woman's husband once said, 'You are a good wife. And if you were a stranger, you wouldn't have a price at all. Psychologist Kurt Holstein explains this phenomenon as 'incest taboo'. After many years of marriage, the wife becomes the husband's closest relative and the strictest taboo is imposed on sex with family members from an early age.
Very often, this situation occurs when the relationship lasts 10 years or more. Acquired property, children, spiritual kinship hold the couple together better than the hottest passion. Some spouses resign themselves to the state of affairs and continue to live in a good neighbourly marriage. Others have affairs on the side. Still others decide on family therapy. The fourth restores extinguished passion in various ways: sex toys, swinging parties. The fifth have just divorced.
WHAT TO DO?
There is no universal recipe for the return of sex. The only advice worth giving is not to give up. In fact, in sex, as in sport, regular exercise is important. Never stop thinking about sex! American psychologist and cognitive psychotherapist Alex Alice recommends preparing for sex in advance by trying to revive old fantasies and experiences associated with sex.
Experts advise trying to distract oneself from everyday life as often as possible, travelling to new places, mastering new kinds of leisure. Spouses should try to see strangers in each other again, get rid of the perception of a partner as a member of the parental family, with whom sex is forbidden.
Male refusal to have sex if the family has a small child
In the USA, about 40 per cent of young parents suffer from a lack of sex. And, as a rule, in half of these families, it is the men who refuse sex. Many young mothers say their husbands do not want it after childbirth.
There is only one solution: you have to make time for you and your husband. After childbirth, when another full-fledged family member appears in the house, demanding all the attention and a bit more, you need to show your husband that he is very important. Involve your spouse in caring for the baby, try to show that you are one family together. Give the baby a bath, put everyone to bed together. You can even invent some kind of ritual that only Dad and your child will have.
Some husbands are afraid to touch their wives after childbirth. They are afraid of disturbing their sleep, they are worried that a woman will suffer a lot of stress after giving birth.
Your actions: you must take the initiative and involve your loved one in making love with you. And please do not complicate yourself if you are overweight. This is still your body, love it, take care of it and it will soon return to its usual feminine form. If your spouse is also worried about your changes, calm him/her down and tell him/her that in time you will get back into shape. Only these should not be empty words: take care of yourself.
To solve the problem of male refusal to have sex, you have to find the reason. It will be more effective if you look for it together with your husband and not alone. If your spouse thinks everything is OK, don't agree. Talk to him, discuss, involve professionals (sociologists or psychologists) in your problem.
Family life is not a swamp that drags you deeper and deeper. Where you feel uncomfortable, but nowhere to go. Family is love, mutual respect and acceptance. Loving people will overcome many obstacles and disagreements. In every couple there are crises and stressful situations. And it only depends on your joint decision and joint work whether you will overcome these crises or not. You have every right to feel comfortable and well in family relationships and in this life. Therefore, it is worth discussing your problems and defending your interests without hiding them endlessly.